This past week has been one of the most trying weeks I’ve had so far since rotations started. And honestly looking back, it’s not like anything super big or bad happened. However, it was a series of back-to-back events that led to a cumulative effect of me feeling so dumb and inadequate and frustrated. From losing my phone 30 minutes before I was supposed to show up for my first shift on night float, to working up a new admit at 4:30AM and struggling to make sense of my own thoughts let alone come up with a reasonable list of differential diagnoses to impress my resident (she was not impressed btw), to paying an unexpected $20 for parking the next morning when it really should have been free, to receiving an angry phone call from my PI soon after I woke up from my “nap”, to scoring low on UWorld sets, to getting every question from my chief about SAAG and ascites wrong, to seeing my patient who I had cared for the week earlier take a turn for the worse, etc etc. Needless to say, I was emotionally, mentally, and physically unprepared for this week. I really felt like I was hit by a ginormous wave and was trying hard not to drown.. except that I suck at treading water. I ended up texting my brother to reiterate the same exact words he had texted me two weeks earlier: “Life is hard.”

What do you do when life is hard? Most people usually have someone they can turn to, ya know, to talk things out, but what happens when you’re driving back home at 3AM and all your friends and family are asleep? You’re just left alone, with your feelings, and the aftermath of a very long day. It’s a very sobering time of reflection.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing all this. It’s definitely not related in any way to fashion. And it’s kind of silly to be talking about problems that aren’t that big a deal in the grand scheme of life. Maybe it’s just the exhaustion of being a MS3 that’s getting to me. The constant need to impress. To be “on.” To do more. To be better. To identify strengths and weaknesses because there is always room to “grow” and improve. The constant fear of seeming “less than” your peers. Less smart. Less confident. Less eloquent. The constant worry of whether your attending likes you. How well you’ll be rated. If you’ll honor.

It’s tough. But I am a firm believer that life is spent in seasons, and within every season there are highs and lows. And that all things, good or bad, in time will pass. This week was tough, but there were definitely highlights. I got to work with and learn from some amazing people (even if I made a fool out of myself). I now know what labs to order for a diagnostic paracentesis in a patient with ascites and a history of liver cancer. I also got to binge-eat free ice cream and pizza at 1AM!

I guess I just wanted to acknowledge that as a perfectionist and especially as a medical student, it’s OK for things to not go the way you want them to, and that even seemingly “small problems” can make anyone feel sad and scared and stuck. These feelings are normal and common and legitimate. I’ve experienced a number of setbacks in my life, some much bigger than others, and this week will be another one to add to my book of life experiences. At the end of it all though, I tell myself to keep going. No matter how tired or overwhelmed or hopeless you may feel, keep pushing. Hindsight really is 20/20. There is nowhere to go but forward.

“this is the recipe of life
said my mother
as she held me in her arms as i wept
think of those flowers you plant
in the garden each year
they will teach you
that people too
must wilt
fall
root
rise
in order to bloom”

– rupi kaur, The Sun and Her Flowers